Stream of Thoughts …Goodby!

Posted on October 22, 2013 by mariposa333

It’s funny – not funny how others will put you in a box. If I let others, they would want me to …

~ Be a leader for their own cause

They will throw me to the wolves

Because they see my gifts

So…

They use and abuse

Some people will even set up situations

They call it…

“We set things up so you can tear them down.”

They call themselves pirates

I call them insecure

Losers

Alone they could not fight their cause

They need a leader

So they can point to when things go wrong

Um… thanks for telling me!

I don’t want to be part

Of your cause

It is not a cause

It is…

Use and abuse

Not a good feeling

This is why I wrote about John

He put me in a situation I didn’t ask for – or merit.

Somebody did…

There I was the effigy

A poster child for…

Deal with stress

Without drugs!

Letters to file

A poster child for…

Deal with stress

Without drugs!

Discontinued from service as a teacher…

A poster child for…

Deal with stress

Without drugs!

Tenure denied

A poster child for…

Deal with stress

Without drugs!

I’m glad I helped many people

Thank you for seeing my potential as a pirate

Difference is…

They needed me

I didn’t need them!

Noone was there during my difficulties

So what kind of cause is that?

It’s a ca………….use!

That is my life

Family

Friends

Have come and gone

They, too…

Use and abuse

God

Faith

Were present

The cause

Struggle

Would have made me abuse

Drugs!

Alcohol!

Maybe that was their cause

Struggle

During the journey

Not once… did anyone ask

“What can I do for you?”

Women and men make sure you find someone who is supportive of your needs, goals, and life. Someone who is going to respect you as the loving and whole person you are. A human being who is invested in your life(emotional and mental well -being). Someone who makes you laugh – but doesn’t ridicule you. Someone who embraces you as the person you are.

So many people assigned meaning to the title of my blog: “The Quest for the Knight of Cups.” OOOhhh… what does it mean?

It represented the tarot card The Knight of Cups. This gallant knight is carrying a cup full of love and generosity. It came to me – as my writing does – 14 years ago. I was travelling around Europe and like magic it popped in my mind. I put the title aside and knew it meant my own self-growth and self-awareness. Even though I always had faith it meant searching for that special man. We have not found each other – YET.

But we will unite!

In this journey of Life I have found ME!!! I know that whatever man I attract, he will appreciate me even more for all the trials and tribulations Life has flung at me. He will love me just the way I am.

~ THIS IS MY LAST POST. THANK YOU THOSE FOR FOLLOWING. ALL THE BEST IN THE QUEST!

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Scram Tax-Deferred Annuity!

Posted on October 22, 2013 by mariposa333

New York City School Teachers

I advise you…

I implore you now…

Do not apply for tax-deferred annuity!

“It is a dream deferred

That dries up

Like a raisin in the sun.”

Foreign seas have captured my money!!!

Invested under a pseudonym

Tied up in international funds?

Upon my request

I am withdrawing

All of my money

60 days to receive my money?

60 days to wire Mr. Pseudonymn

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Strike the Con of Ed

Posted on October 21, 2013 by mariposa333

Its been eleven days and counting! It occured at 11:00 a.m. on a colder than usual Fall morning. The brown kernels of rice were bathed in water and ready to eat. Blank! Silence. shock. Peace. Con Edison turned off the electricity. Okay, I get it. They didn’t turn off my electricity. I didn’t pay my bills. They mounted. They were gracious to mail me notices. Blank! There is no light in my life. That is what they think. When I would visit my grandmother in the D.R., I would observe how she maneuvered her way around the apartment. Outstretched arms serving as her cane. Head held up high…confident where she was going. She trained me for this day. I am also very organized. Therefore I have everything in its own place. My seventh sense guides around the apartment. Days are spent outdoors and when I come home I sleep. I refuse to buy candles. I actually am embracing not having electricity. It forces me to rise early and go to bed early. During those quiet moments of darkness, I commune with my grnadmother. She whispers: “The light is within you.” Besides, I transport my rice cooker to the laundry room and cook my mmmm…. soups. There is no light in my life… It was always within me. Suckers! Copyright 2013 Copy Sent to Personal Lawyer

The Lie of Lupus

Posted on October 21, 2013 by mariposa333

I was angry at her for not fighting back! She should have fought back! It was circa 1990 – 1992. My mother announced the diagnosis, just as when she diagnosed my monthly flow. The words flatly rolled out of her tongue: “Your sister has lupus.” What? I thought. I hadn’t even heard of this condition. Yet it was distinctly visible in my sister. Eyelids gorged with water. Clamped hands. Skeletal body filled with fat. Or was this the effect of her medications?

Beach days were gone forever. Ringlets of luscious hair would soon decorate her pillowcase. A pixie cut would soon decorate her head forever. She must have been in her late 20’s. Her boyfriend had been her boyfriend for 8 years. Consumed by work…by choice… it became her love affair. Years later she would confess that it was a career that fell on her lap. Fell on her lap? My mother, the ever present bundle of nerves, tried to convince her of alternative medicines. I was angry at her! She didn’t even try these methods. Lupus came at the right time. It gave her this cushion to lean on. As she always did when crossroads entered her life. My theory: she was at an unhappy place in her life. The symptoms began to manifest themselves physiologically. Doctor’s appointment diagnoses lupus. I was angry at her for not fighting back… and expecting others to do so!

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Lonely Thoughts

Posted on October 18, 2013 by mariposa333

Moonlight shadows

Mimic the night

Skip a beat…

Murmurs my heart

Fluorescent eyes

Capture the night

Rustling leaves

drag

The day’s end

Silence

Alarmed

Owl takes flight

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good things come in 3’s

Posted on October 17, 2013 by mariposa333

Mama always said “Good things come in 3’s.” Throughout the years I have gathered three word expressions… to invigorate it!

I Love You

Father, Son, Holy Spirit

I am me

You are you

Fish is Fish

Coke is it!

Round and Round

Till We Stop…

Change is Good

C’est la Vie

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LuLu ~ Pus

Posted on October 17, 2013 by mariposa333

Body Weak

Called Fatigue

Cortisone pumped induced release!

Life’s a mess

Call it stress

Cortisone pumped induced release!

Kidney

Waste

Skin

Blotches

White Blood Cells

Wane

Cortisone pumped induced release!

Life Sex a Bore

Social activities

Stored

Cortisone pumped induced release!

Neurotica Psychotica Nervosica

Low Self-Esteem

Why is this happrening to me?

Life’s a Mess

Call it Stress

Cortisone dumped reduced

New Lease…

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Changed Your Mind?

Posted on October 17, 2013 by mariposa333

The next day I awoke

Whirling

Buzzing thoughts

Circled in my mind

Winning smile

Deformed

I never took a s ip!

Idiots

They should have asked

Do you

want to

Be drafted?”

Final Answer
No!

Homage to John Revised

Posted on October 10, 2013 by mariposa333

John was a tall towering man

I never saw him eat much

Then again…

I never saw much of him

Disguised woman perhaps

Another person getting paid

To do nothing

He loved to slobber women at work

A dog I say

Married man

Full of lies

Sent to Personal Lawyer

Drafted Beer

Posted on October 10, 2013 by mariposa333

I went into a bar

This guy came up to me

He offered me drafted beer

Drafted beer

I don’t drink beer!

He coaxed me

drink,

He whispered

A winning smile

I took a cautious sip

My head began spinning

People were mocking me

Everywhere I turned

There

Images of me

I faced them

Reflections of the past

Returning my own

Pain

Like a boomerang

The man just laughed

A whisper reached my ear

You should

Not

Have

Taken

s ip

Sent to Personal Lawyer

The scars we carry are sometimes invisible. When I volunteered with Victim Services Agency, the women I counseled did not exhibit any marks of violence. Yet, in speaking to them, the quiver in their voice…the cautious pause before responding…the furtive eyes that were a curtain to their pain…Let me know of the abuse. We were trained never to acknowledge them if we saw them in public. It was a way of respecting their pain, their personal information shared behind locked doors. That was granted – especially if the woman affected by abuse trusted us as counselors.

“Maritza” was her name. She was my first client whom I found a shelter. It was towards the tail-end of my volunteer experience. Years later, we ran into each other in the train. She still had that curtain over eyes…hiding the pain. I wondered then if she returned to her husband…as so many do. My eyes met hers and she gave me a downcast glance. Many years later Life would bring us together again – when I substituted in a school. She was a teacher’s assistant. I substituted there numerous times and many more in the class she assisted. Yet, I never acknowledged I knew her. She grew to like me as a substitute teacher – not the counselor this time. Years passed and I met “Maritza” when I moved to Harlem. I happened to be at her place of work. This time she was confident, secure, and so proud to have me as her guest. I think she knew the information I had about her was forever buried. It’s not that I forgot… I just understood that vulnerability of having someone in charge of private information… to keep it private.

When I went to my principal’s office on April 11, 2013, I merely wanted to discuss the allegation of corporation punishment. The district UFT representative wondered why I would discuss that matter with her. She is the leader. I thought maybe there would be a moment of compassion…of guidance…understanding. There were many invisible scars from teaching. The allegations were one of many. I went to her that day as my counselor… to advise me. Just as “Martiza” came to me. Others called me an idiot: “Why would you trust administration? “Why wouldn’t I?” I quietly thought… Why should leadership be different in a school, than at Starbucks? Barnes and Nobles? H & M? Or any establishment? It was so I found out that day.

My friend said “Well of course they think you’re crazy if you didn’t have a bruise that day.” It made me think of “Maritza.” Her scars were not visible. When I walked out of my principal’s office… one foot dragging the other – thanks to my Warrior Spirit… I went upstairs to the bathroom and allowed the torrent of tears stream down my face. Each tear represented all the events that led to my 5th and final year of teaching.

I opened the window wanting to eject a scream. But the words weren’t as fluid as my tears. I wondered if someone across the way in the tenement buildings saw me. For a moment I stared at those brick buildings and they stared back. They, too, housed their own scars. Scars of drugs and violence. Yet, how dare we stereotype and point the finger at the tenement buildings and the people who live within? Here I was assaulted by a person of leadership in a house of higher learning… I didn’t leave with blood or a bulging bruise. Then again, neither did the numerous students who were assaulted by other students. As educators we still had a right to fill out an incident report.

When those buildings stared back, I felt a comfort. They weren’t so scary to me…not when I was standing in a place that is supposed to uphold education, professionalism, and leadership by example. No. They did not scare me that day. Those buildings sustained me. They housed my students. I knew then where the flood of tears were coming from… I was terrified for what education housed for them…

Invisible Scars

thequestfortheknightofcups

Dating, Work. and other confusing musings!

Stream of Thoughts …Goodby!

Scram Tax-Deferred Annuity!

Strike the Con of Ed

The Lie of Lupus

Lonely Thoughts

good things come in 3’s

LuLu ~ Pus

Homage to John Revised

Drafted Beer